Well, here we are, back again. By now, we’ve driven down The Strip in Las Vegas so many times, that we probably count as ‘locals’. Or is that ‘strippers’? (We know where to get pole-dancing lessons. And one or two other dubious delights.
We tried the Monorail. Parked at the Sahara and bought a day ticket. It is clean, efficient, driven by computer – and very bumpy and rattly. And the non-stop high-speed adverts over the tannoy are an irritation until the mind automatically edits them out. But the coaches were always nearly empty. And we found out why.
To get to any Monorail station from The Strip (or the reverse), you have to trundle your way through a Casino. A winding path through slot machines, gambling tables, shops and more glitter than anyone could possibly absorb in a day. Usually about a half-mile walk before you see daylight. We got off at Bally’s/Paris. A long, long road a-winding through Bally’s just to get to Paris – which is entirely indoors. A huge span of ceiling which tries (unsuccessfully) to duplicate the sky. The supports of the half-size Eiffel Tower appear out of the blue. Literally.
The result is a claustrophobe’s worst nightmare. The combination of fake flagstoned, dingey streets, fake grotty alleys and grindingly absurd Ameri-Francais atmosphere, under a darkening sky make for a disturbing trek through a bad dream.
Spotting real daylight was a joy and a heartfealt relief. Only an urgent visit to the ‘toilettes’ came first.
The Strip is hot, glitzy and a tribute to the Big Sell. Along with a flock of coupon touts, drink sellers and outright beggars. The little sell. The peak and trough of Capitalism.
Looking for a particular shop – Swarovski Crystal – We headeded into the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace. And another Frankenstein shopping experience. Like Paris, the place has an artificial ceiling that goes (so they boast!) from dawn to dusk in an hour. For us, it stayed as a depressing twilight during our prolonged visit. The wife was unable to look up without feeling queasy, and she has happily visited a cave system in North Carolina! To me, it was just uncomfortably depressing. And I’m an ex-miner. I know it is cool and a relief from the desert heat – but we hated it.
The guide maps were confusing. The stairs and escalators were designed with one object in mind. To ensure that everyone was forced to walk past EVERY shop, on every floor. No short-cuts. No quick routes. Just follow the snake past all the high class ‘shoppes’, featuring anorexic models making their court to tourists who were universally 10 clothing sizes bigger. If Breughel had painted a shopping mall, this would be it!
Tired, hungry, thirsty. We headed into the nearest eating place. Planet Hollywood. We weren’t remotely interested in the authentic Hollywood movie props. We needed to sit, drink and eat.
I ordered the half-chicken with mashed potato. The wife ordered the ribs. She likes ribs.
The chicken was delighful. Even the mashed potato had texture and taste. And the wife rated the ribs as ‘fantastic’. So a big thanks and a 10 out of 10 for Planet Hollywood. Well done.
Eventually, we found Swarovski – remember, you have to pass EVERY shop in the place – and used the bouncing gift card (from the previous letter) to buy the wife a nice crystal necklace. As the price (with tax) came to slightly more than the value of the card, the saleswoman had to do a little bit of (legitimate) finagling. She’d had one herself, previously, and knew what a troublesome gift they were. Well done, Swarovski!
That was enough for the day. We made our way out again, and passed ALL the shops that we had seen on the way in. THe took a quick short-cut through Harrah’s Casino (well, another half mile of winding paths through golden glitz, slots and shops) to the Monorail, and escape! At least, Harrah’s had the ceiling done in a tasteful golden balls theme, and no artificial sky.
When we picked up our car again, it was top down and another run down The Strip. That part, we agreed, was always worth the effort. Back to the resort.
The next day was helicopter trip to the Grand Canyon. On my birthday.
For that, you can wait a bit.
I certainly had to!
