I always swore that I would never write a blog about dog ‘pooh’ (that is what the English call it – I tend to use other words!), but in everything, there are exceptions …
The English are a territorial breed. They look upon their own property as ‘inviolate’, but see absolutely nothing wrong with making claims on other people’s domains. If anyone parks on ‘their’ piece of road, or worse, uses their driveway to turn around, then outrage ensues! Violence and verbal abuse are common in such situations. And if any stranger should permit their pet to foul their part of ‘this sceptered isle’ … oh dear!
Of course, it is OK if their unleashed terriers are crapping all over the neighbourhood. After all, it is only natural …
‘Private!’ ‘No Trespassing!’ ‘No Turning’! Pity that this rash of signs is not forbidden by the ‘No Advertising’ laws!
A truly English attitude is exemplified by those whose property adjoins a farmer’s field. The farmer leaves a strip unploughed, around the field – to encourage wildlife – and people start annexing this strip. Turning it into an extra lawn, mowed regularly. Or possibly an allotment or small vegetable patch. Or the ideal place for fly-tipping their garden rubbish. Instead of putting it in the green/brown/blue (councils cannot agree on colour) bins provided, they wheelbarrow it a few yards to dump their unwanted greenery on someone else’s patch.
Only this week, in the middle of a local village with up-market pretensions, I watched one of these ‘English Gardeners’ rush across the main road with his wheelbarrow, dump his clippings into the ditch opposite, then rush back for another load. In broad daylight. Presumably not his first attempt at adjacent rubbish disposal. Then, possibly later that evening, penning an ‘outraged citizen’ missive, to the local newspaper, concerning the scourge of fly-tipping/gypsies/failure-to-clear-ditches, etc.
Now, imagine, for a moment, this improbable scenario …
Dog ‘Pooh’ becomes valuable. (Scientists discover anti-ageing chemical in dog crap!)
Suddenly, those little terriers, running free and ‘poohing’ all over the place, become an asset. People would jealously protect their land, guarding against ‘pooh rustlers’. People would leave out Scooby Snacks, to encourage the wandering local mutts.
Soon, small dogs would be replaced by big dogs, in order to enhance their productive inclinations. As to the fate of small dogs … well, we can only conjecture.
Owners would get their hound’s DNA checked and registered, so that they could claim ‘pooh paternity’. Dog-napping would become a national problem.
And the English would encroach even more, on farmer’s fields. Anything to increase the harvest.
Dog walkers would be stalked by mysterious, scarf-wrapped figures, carrying shovels.
The Price of Dropping would rise.
‘Outraged citizens’ would pen even more crap (metaphorical) for the local newspapers.
It would solve one, age-old problem. You would not need to worry about putting your foot in it.
Much to valuable to leave it lying around.